I havent been on in awhile, for many reasons.
I was working about 35 hours a week at my job,
and another 25 a week at school.
I've been cut to part time at my job.
So I now work 8-9 hours a day, 3 days a week.
I absolutely hate it there.
Its the worse possible place I could work.
The people there are unbelievable and Im sad I ever excepted the position.
I would love to quit, in fact, I would have quit a few months ago if I were not pregnant.

Speaking of pregnancy, I love it. Im not 26 weeks! I cant believe it.
My morning sickness disappeared at about week 12 and i've gotten it maybe 4 times since then.
We call out little bundle "Bean" for now. Shes precious.
I say she because thats what we think she is, although we're not 100%.
We're having a 3d/4d ultrasound someime mid-July, so that will confirm the sex.
I started to feel her kick about week 17 and so did Daddy.
Shes constantly on the move now, I think shes tight on space atm.
And the movement is visible.
Its incredibly.
Shes so strong and shes already a bit of a brat, but I love her to pieces.

Her was a picture of her at 11 weeks old



And 14 weeks old


This was our last u/s pic at 19 weeks



On Fathers Day I woke up with my first stretch marks, they're on my butt so I guess that would my fault that I got them.
I've started using stretch cream twice a day,
crossing my fingers that will help.
I've always been talking to a few photographers about pregnancy shoots.
We'll see how that goes.

As far as weight gain, I've added 20+ pounds to my once small physique.
And I've been gaining about a pound a week.
Oh, and I started going to the gym two weeks ago (i've been going once a week),
Its about time I get in shape.

Well, I guess thats all, Im leaving you now with a 25 week photo of me.

Where to start?
I havent written in quite a while.
Well, Im pregnant.
I found out on January 27th.
Now im about 7 weeks, almost 8. Its the most exciting thing in the world.
But morning sickness is a killer. I've been throwing up like crazy the past few days.
Oh and I've been eating non stop. Its down right PAINFUL if I dont.
Our first doctors appointment is on Thursday. I cannot wait.
Heres a picture I took at 6 weeks

Also, we got a dog. Shes the cutest thing ever. She a tiny chow with a big head and little ears.
We names her Honey Bear.



We adopted her from the Humane Society because we want our child to have a dog. And she'll be perfect. She's so mellow for only being a 2 year old.
And she doesnt mind being pulled on.
Plus, whats better than a protective dog for a little baby?

Lauren, Jesse's sister is moving out in 2 weeks too. Shes going to Scottsdale to learn to be a pastry chef.
That means we're going to have a two bedroom to ourself.
Which I think is too big,
so we're going to move when the lease is up.

And in March im starting at the local Beauty School to become a hair stylist.
Which will be mega crazy since I'll be going 5p-10p and I already work 8a-3p!
But lifes good.

Is lately I've been gaining this.
I thought I would eat right for once try to be normal.
But i've been getting fat.
period.
So im back to dieting.
Tomorrow I'll be fasting
and my goal is to get back to the double digits.

Today has been a good day.
I slept in until 11am with my honey and my favorite kitty by my side.
Now we're just sitting on the bed.
Him caring for his new tattoo and my cats claws tearing at the bed sheet.
Somehow this is peaceful.
It makes me smile.

Wow. I havent posted in sometime last year.
2007 was a fun year, but no doubt 2008 will be better.
I graduated and started college. I even found a job.
I then dropped out of that college and quit my job.
But I'm going to take classes at a new college and will hopefully get a job soon.
A higher paying job.
Me and my love are moving to California in late April/early May. He's going to start college and Im going to get a full time job.
Eventually, Im going to go to Cosmetology school and we will both have booming careers in our choosen professions.
But as of right now, I'm looking foward to the concert next week and the Renaissance festival in March.
Oh and moving in with him sometime this month

My life is changing, a lot.
This much I know.
It started mostly when I got back from Colorado. I was officially starting to like my weight and I could not wait to get back with my friends,
just like old times.
But the thing about the term "old times" is its just that, its OLD. In other words, its in the past.
I hadnt quit perpared myself for how different everything was going to be, how could I? It was like entering the Twilight Zone or something. Nothing was what it use to be,
except maybe the fact that my mother was still a drunk
and my step dad was still a jerk.
but my relationships, my priorities and my feelings were all so strange and new. And nothing was for the better. It was like I had walked back into a life that was never mine. One that never even exsisted. I went back to emotional eatting, stopped working out. I felt abandoned and depressed and lonely. I felt that no one was who they seemed and that none of theses "new people" wanted anything to do with me. Like they did things that they wanted me to know about, but in the end they only wanted me to know about it so that I could be left out.
After several months of being back (and several pounds gained) you'd think I'd have worked out all these problems, but I dont think they'll ever be worked out.
I guess the best metaphor would be something close to this;

you live on a dirt floor. You spend months, even years making yourself a nice carpet because you know that it would make living so much nicer. After all the time, you've finally finished.
You're so proud and happy. All you're friends and neighbors applaud your efforts.
But then someone, lets say its your friend. And they're also your neighbor, steals it. But they act like its theres. And so does everybody else. You cant steal it back because then everyone will call you a theif and you'll be hated. And everybody dismisses you're tell about how its actually yours. Even though they watched you make it, and they applauded your finish result.

Thats what I feel. Everyday.
And I hate it, but what can I do?

Nothing.

Fact: I obsess about my weight.
Fact: I dont give a fuck if you dont like it.

Sometimes I sit and beat myself about how much I weigh. Other times I'll toss in the towel and eat a cup of noodles. But in the end, I cant look into a mirror and think "You have a decent bod."
Because no matter what that scale says, I know I dont look right. Something is always off, not right, out of place, so big, too small.

Fact: I weight 100 pounds. 99 on a good day.
Fact: I am almost 5'5.
Fact:That should mean I look thin
Fucking FACT: I look no where near it.

Cheers to all you girls that have the discipline to not eat. I salute you. I think you are beautiful even if everyone else thinks you look like a skeleton. I envy you. I believe eatting disorders are beautiful and attractive. Im drawn to them like cartoons to artists.

Now send me hate mail, I dont care. Because I dont know you and dont care about your opinion.

These words that are fed to me are empty and pointless.
The words that I feed are full of hope yet carelessly tossed aside.
My optimism is wind, it comes and goes and no one seems to have a say it in, some like it, others damn it.
My tears have morphed to laughter because my brain has decided to shut down my heart.
Temporarily out of service.
I giggle at the all too real thought that I may be losing my mind.
My life has gone back to step one.
The condemned feeling that I have let down Father-Dear. The stomach turning that my alcohol inclined mother can never help me.
And me standing alone, giving up on my A-List Acting that everything is great.
No body likes standing alone, so we always find someone to drag down with us.