Delilah

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:06:15 GMT

I sometimes think Im over you
But from time to time something reminds me of us
and I find myself struggling to retrieve my heart from the bones between my knees.

Say hey

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 00:11:34 GMT

Shes sitting on the sofa of an upstairs coffee shop.
Cigarette hanging from between her plain pink lips.
In one hand the brush of red nail polish
the perfect shade of cherry to match her belt.
By the polish container sits her energy.
Brown milk with the taste of espresso
The ice inside leaves a puddle under her cup on the wooden table.
A song starts and she bobs her head pushing blond hair into her face
Like a busy highway her thoughts wont stop.
She thinking of the book burning a hole in her purse
and the boy whos going to meet her
She wonders why she leads them like that,
But she never feels bad or guilty.

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 08:56:05 GMT

He was perfect.
I should have know
Should have seen it coming
His words were empty, yet loving
He gave me hope
He made me happy
My family was so proud to see me smile again
To see me shine
He took a piece of my heart with him
When he left
I'd hope hed take care of it.
But men will be men

I feel my heart has been shattered.
Im confused and disheartened.
I feel like I cant trust anyone
No matter how sweet or how sincere
Because no matter what you think
All men are the same
The difference with Prince Charming and assholes
is that one isnt afraid to show their true colors

But then again.
I cant help but think hes not an asshole
I still think of him as being sweet
and maybe then he meant what he said
But his words only held truth for a small time

I think I still love him
Even though hell never feel the same

The pain I feel right now cant last forever
Ever though it feels like it will

I cant stand this feeling
I pray it goes away.
I feel my heart getting ripped out of my chest.
Squeezed between my rib cage
but it cant get out.

And so I sit here and I cry
I type to lessen the pain
It doesnt help much,
but I;ll take what I can get

So Ill sit here and Ill cry
and Ill think about the good times
Memories will fill my head
and I wont sleep tonight

3 Things

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 07:54:13 GMT

Coffee
Sex
Cigarettes

It doesnt take a lot to make me happy.

Say

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 20:24:28 GMT

My friend once said "Its not how you feel when you're with them that matters, its how you feel when you're not"
Its true. I didnt want to believe because at the time because I was head over heels with a no body.

But what happens when you met your soul mate?
Do you know right away?
How do you know if you're making it into a bigger deal then it is or if all the love you feel is true?

Dark hair and light eyes. Tall and lean. This man of my dreams appears and I didnt even think he existed. I blogged about the man of my dreams and I met him the very next day. Fate? Luck?
If theres a god then hes definitely routing for me

Hmm

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 08:32:09 GMT

Sometimes my mind is like a movie trailer. I get image after image of my life. Right now, its a romance movie. A dark romance. A movie about a romance that doesnt seem possible. Something forbidden. Its entrancing. Its addicting.
Out of my eyes I see a meal being cooked, I feel warm, strong arms. I feel the heat of someone elses breath on my neck.
I see the sheets crumpling as someone wraps their arms around a brown haired girl. I see her red lips, colored by blood flow. A handsome young man, who holds her heart and doesnt even know it. His hands slide up her back, under her shirt as her hands gently hold his neck. Full lips press against her forehead. Then her neck.
Shes on her side, close to falling asleep. She feels his hand on her hip, simple yet loving and he whispers in her ear "You're amazing". She falls asleep.
The next day they barely talk. They dont hang out. She is daydreaming and thinking about seeing him next.
She wonders what he thinks about. If he thinks of her. If he feels what she feels. She doesnt think he does, but theres still hope.

My Love

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 07:09:37 GMT

Dear Beautiful,
I love you dearly. You are the one that keeps my heart beating. When I see your face I cannot help but smile. I feel the corner of my lips being tugged no matter how much I dont want to. I love how you can make any day perfect and when I fall asleep at night, you are the one I am thinking of.
I hope life brings you everything you want. I hope you are happy and healthy. When times get bad, just remember this note to you that I wrote with sincere and endless love.

Forever yours,
Me

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 22:12:59 GMT

I saw this picture of me today. It was taken maybe last year. I had long hair with colors of the rainbow in it. I had cats eye thick black make up and Too Faced Red eye shadow. I looked....amazing. I dont mean to sound self absorbed, its not like that at all because it didnt even seem like I was looking at a picture of ME.
I have a baby now? Really? How'd that happen? And I dont do my hair everyday. I hardly do my make up. Hell, last night I fell asleep in my make up. Which is a big NO NO.
I dont watch what I eat either. I dont notice when my thighs touch when I walk. Seriously. That use to be my way of telling myself Im failing at life.

Im not her anymore. Its like my Siamese twin has been cut from my side and moved to another state. Did she really exist?
Im not sure. I think so.

Its really not about me anymore. I dont care what people think of me or how I look. All I care about is that my baby is healthy. MY BABY. My daughter. Shes real, thats one thing Im certain of. Shes mine.

An Angel Has Been Born

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 02:25:25 GMT

I have been blessed with something so beautiful its hard not to believe in a higher power.
She is my miracle.
A look at her reveals everything I want and need in life. She is my present and future and the air I breath. I have been reborn. From woman to mother.
I have traveled to many places and have never seen anything so perfect in my life.
I am crying tears of joy just because I know that she is mine. That my life has changed and it will only get better. Sleepless nights have never been so enjoyable. I would change any numbers of diapers if it meant having my finger squeezed between hers. I have never been so desperate to see the color of someones eyes or more proud to see what looks like a smile.

Nothing can ever prepare someone for motherhood. Its an impossible feeling to describe. But its the most gratifying feeling in the world.

Where to begin?

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 07:45:12 GMT

I havent been on in awhile, for many reasons.
I was working about 35 hours a week at my job,
and another 25 a week at school.
I've been cut to part time at my job.
So I now work 8-9 hours a day, 3 days a week.
I absolutely hate it there.
Its the worse possible place I could work.
The people there are unbelievable and Im sad I ever excepted the position.
I would love to quit, in fact, I would have quit a few months ago if I were not pregnant.

Speaking of pregnancy, I love it. Im not 26 weeks! I cant believe it.
My morning sickness disappeared at about week 12 and i've gotten it maybe 4 times since then.
We call out little bundle "Bean" for now. Shes precious.
I say she because thats what we think she is, although we're not 100%.
We're having a 3d/4d ultrasound someime mid-July, so that will confirm the sex.
I started to feel her kick about week 17 and so did Daddy.
Shes constantly on the move now, I think shes tight on space atm.
And the movement is visible.
Its incredibly.
Shes so strong and shes already a bit of a brat, but I love her to pieces.

Her was a picture of her at 11 weeks old

And 14 weeks old

This was our last u/s pic at 19 weeks

On Fathers Day I woke up with my first stretch marks, they're on my butt so I guess that would my fault that I got them.
I've started using stretch cream twice a day,
crossing my fingers that will help.
I've always been talking to a few photographers about pregnancy shoots.
We'll see how that goes.

As far as weight gain, I've added 20+ pounds to my once small physique.
And I've been gaining about a pound a week.
Oh, and I started going to the gym two weeks ago (i've been going once a week),
Its about time I get in shape.

Well, I guess thats all, Im leaving you now with a 25 week photo of me.

Fuck being thin

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 23:16:20 GMT

Where to start?
I havent written in quite a while.
Well, Im pregnant.
I found out on January 27th.
Now im about 7 weeks, almost 8. Its the most exciting thing in the world.
But morning sickness is a killer. I've been throwing up like crazy the past few days.
Oh and I've been eating non stop. Its down right PAINFUL if I dont.
Our first doctors appointment is on Thursday. I cannot wait.
Heres a picture I took at 6 weeks

Also, we got a dog. Shes the cutest thing ever. She a tiny chow with a big head and little ears.
We names her Honey Bear.

We adopted her from the Humane Society because we want our child to have a dog. And she'll be perfect. She's so mellow for only being a 2 year old.
And she doesnt mind being pulled on.
Plus, whats better than a protective dog for a little baby?

Lauren, Jesse's sister is moving out in 2 weeks too. Shes going to Scottsdale to learn to be a pastry chef.
That means we're going to have a two bedroom to ourself.
Which I think is too big,
so we're going to move when the lease is up.

And in March im starting at the local Beauty School to become a hair stylist.
Which will be mega crazy since I'll be going 5p-10p and I already work 8a-3p!
But lifes good.

Day 1

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 03:24:33 GMT

Is lately I've been gaining this.
I thought I would eat right for once try to be normal.
But i've been getting fat.
period.
So im back to dieting.
Tomorrow I'll be fasting
and my goal is to get back to the double digits.

lucky girl

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 19:33:29 GMT

Today has been a good day.
I slept in until 11am with my honey and my favorite kitty by my side.
Now we're just sitting on the bed.
Him caring for his new tattoo and my cats claws tearing at the bed sheet.
Somehow this is peaceful.
It makes me smile.

So last year

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:15:33 GMT

Wow. I havent posted in sometime last year.
2007 was a fun year, but no doubt 2008 will be better.
I graduated and started college. I even found a job.
I then dropped out of that college and quit my job.
But I'm going to take classes at a new college and will hopefully get a job soon.
A higher paying job.
Me and my love are moving to California in late April/early May. He's going to start college and Im going to get a full time job.
Eventually, Im going to go to Cosmetology school and we will both have booming careers in our choosen professions.
But as of right now, I'm looking foward to the concert next week and the Renaissance festival in March.
Oh and moving in with him sometime this month

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 06:07:32 GMT

My life at this moment, simplified;
Work hard,
play harder,
do school in between.

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 05:37:11 GMT

My life is changing, a lot.
This much I know.
It started mostly when I got back from Colorado. I was officially starting to like my weight and I could not wait to get back with my friends,
just like old times.
But the thing about the term "old times" is its just that, its OLD. In other words, its in the past.
I hadnt quit perpared myself for how different everything was going to be, how could I? It was like entering the Twilight Zone or something. Nothing was what it use to be,
except maybe the fact that my mother was still a drunk
and my step dad was still a jerk.
but my relationships, my priorities and my feelings were all so strange and new. And nothing was for the better. It was like I had walked back into a life that was never mine. One that never even exsisted. I went back to emotional eatting, stopped working out. I felt abandoned and depressed and lonely. I felt that no one was who they seemed and that none of theses "new people" wanted anything to do with me. Like they did things that they wanted me to know about, but in the end they only wanted me to know about it so that I could be left out.
After several months of being back (and several pounds gained) you'd think I'd have worked out all these problems, but I dont think they'll ever be worked out.
I guess the best metaphor would be something close to this;

you live on a dirt floor. You spend months, even years making yourself a nice carpet because you know that it would make living so much nicer. After all the time, you've finally finished.
You're so proud and happy. All you're friends and neighbors applaud your efforts.
But then someone, lets say its your friend. And they're also your neighbor, steals it. But they act like its theres. And so does everybody else. You cant steal it back because then everyone will call you a theif and you'll be hated. And everybody dismisses you're tell about how its actually yours. Even though they watched you make it, and they applauded your finish result.

Thats what I feel. Everyday.
And I hate it, but what can I do?

Nothing.

Weighing Me Down

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 08:17:24 GMT

Fact: I obsess about my weight.
Fact: I dont give a fuck if you dont like it.

Sometimes I sit and beat myself about how much I weigh. Other times I'll toss in the towel and eat a cup of noodles. But in the end, I cant look into a mirror and think "You have a decent bod."
Because no matter what that scale says, I know I dont look right. Something is always off, not right, out of place, so big, too small.

Fact: I weight 100 pounds. 99 on a good day.
Fact: I am almost 5'5.
Fact:That should mean I look thin
Fucking FACT: I look no where near it.

Cheers to all you girls that have the discipline to not eat. I salute you. I think you are beautiful even if everyone else thinks you look like a skeleton. I envy you. I believe eatting disorders are beautiful and attractive. Im drawn to them like cartoons to artists.

Now send me hate mail, I dont care. Because I dont know you and dont care about your opinion.

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 21:33:26 GMT

Last night I realized something. Its amazing how well someone can think even if teir mouth cant spit out more than a few fluent sentences at a time.
What I realized was that life will never be even close to perfect. Sure, I've known true perfection isnt realistic, but I was always trying to come close. It wasnt until last night that I realized even that wasnt realistic. I have to stop trying to make things better and just have fun.
Have fun my way .
Im always telling people that they need to put themselves first. But in the process, i stopped putting myself first so that they could be happier.
What I've needed is to stop caring about others so much. I need to do what I want and live how I want without taking others into consideration, because its not their life. Its mine.
Others having no problem disregarding me, so how come I've had such a difficult time disregarding them?
Well, thats over with.
From now on, I dont care; Im just out to have a good time.

Not sure, just rambling

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 08:07:50 GMT

When was the last time I posted?
Like forever ago.
Well, I got back from colorado,and then i chilled.
Now I have a job, sort of.
I work at Caffe Diva, but I dont start until Sept. Because Im leaving for TN again. Until the 3rd, so not very long.
Then on the 4th, I have training for when I work the election polls on the 11th.
And again sometime in NOvember.
Wow.
I want it to be October, because i cant wait for All Hallows Eve. I think I'll hit up 4th again, like last year.
That was fun.
I really dont want to leave Friday, but I guess its for the best.
I'll get to see my family and laugh at all the silly people at the Pancake Pantry for inquiring about if Im famous or not.
ANd when I get back things will start to fall into place, just like they are suppose to.

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 04:05:25 GMT

Its been very long since I last wrote anything.
I got back the 12th and since then have spent just about every moment running around with my love and hanging with friends. And always with a coffee of course.
Yesterday I got a snake. Its a creamsicle corn snake named Ko~Ji. He's about 8"in long and totally adorable. Actually, he's half mine, and half Jesses. He stays with Jesse.
Today I got my hair cut and colored. Its much different. I loves it.
Tomorrow is job hunting day. And when I get a job, Im going to buy a car <333

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 14:16:06 GMT

So yesterday I got back from camping.
S'mores are amazingly good and fire is fun.
But lack of showers and the fact that for some reason my family always becomes extra bitchy and bi polar on camping trips is not.
6 More days

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 22:01:57 GMT

This is not good.
This is now an addiction.
And im this close to selling my soul.

Ugh

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:12:27 GMT

13 more days until Im back in Arizona.
Today is my last day of taking any kind of pill.
I feel sick and fat.
I am thirsty

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 17:30:29 GMT

Im in bad shape.
10 drops, 5 minutes per ear. Needed for both ears.
3 pills each day, for 10 days.
Sinus medicine 1-2 everyday.
This is where I am at with my health right now.
This is me being more sick than I have been in many years.

Sick

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:48:51 GMT

Early this week I woke up in the middle of the night in such pain I felt as if I was going to die. As a whole, my symptoms did not match any sickness or disease. This stumped my parents and made them stress. They contemplated going to the childrens hospital, but I wouldnt have in. After relieving myself of previously eaten food, I fell asleep. The next day there was some pain, but I chose to ignore it.
Then a few days ago, I was woken up by another intesnse pain, this time in my ear. After taking some pain killers left over from my fathers surgery, I fell asleep. Yesterday I saw the doctor (of which I saw 2 weeks ago and whom was amazed by my health) and she gave me sinus pills and ear drops. This morning (about 4:30) I woke up yet again, but this time my other ear is killing me.
To say the least, I am not in the best of shape. I feel horrible and am in pain.
I dont remember the last time I was sick. I never get sick.
So I blame Colorado and for the first time, do not want to be in this state.
Its a sad world.